All the Los Campesinos! football references

Miserabilia

"I've cried on ashen floors of working men's clubs '96, '98, 2000, 2002, 2004 Oh my God, will it end?"

The first football reference to make it into a LC! song was on their second album, We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed, capturing the despair when England ungraciously exit from international football tournaments circa 2008 — Euro '96 (semi-final penalty loss to Germany on home soil), World Cup '98 (last-16 exit to Argentina on penalties after Beckham's red card), Euro 2000 (group-stage exit), World Cup 2002 (quarter-final defeat to Brazil), Euro 2004 (quarter-final penalty loss to Portugal).

We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed

"Charlotte says, 'It's more constructive than the one in Canada when you got drunk, ate loads of crisps, and threw up by a football pitch.' I know it is and really, that's what worries me, I feel like I should hurt"

Does this count? Apparently it's from when they recorded in Canada and Gareth had a studio meltdown, so went off to find a football pitch to kick a ball around. On the way he got loads of crisps and ginger beer, ate them all way too quickly, and then vomited while kicking at the goals. The glamour of being in a band.

All Your Kayfabe Friends

"You asked if I'd be anyone from history, fact or fiction, dead or alive, I said, 'I'd be Tony Cascarino, circa 1995'"

Tony Cascarino was a footballer from the mid-90s who after playing for Aston Villa, Chelsea, and Celtic, transferred to Marseilles in a bid to live his best life. Gareth has said that he is one of his all-time favourite football players, and that everyone should read his autobiography, Full Time, whether you like football or not.

We've Got Your Back (Documented Minor Emotional Breakdown #2)

"Every girl I ever kissed I was thinking of a pro footballer… thought you should know."

Such a stupid throwaway line, but apparently referencing Gareth's obsession with football (shock), and how it's always on his mind, even when he's deep in snog territory.

(Plan A)

The only one where the entire song is basically referencing football. When they were younger, Gareth and his friends would discuss how they could one day move to a country with a relatively low standard of football, train really hard, take citizenship and then become national footballers. The song takes it a step further with Gareth becoming a national hero, being appointed monarch, and insisting his girlfriend's face gets put on the currency. It's a ridiculous song, both lyrically and musically (apparently they were listening to a lot of Blood Brothers).

Straight in at 101

"Some people give themselves to religion, some people give themselves to a cause, some people give themselves to a lover, I have to give myself to goals"

Lyrically, 'Straight in at 101' is one of my favourite LC! songs, and this little gang-voxxed refrain is right up there. I think it captures the full self-deprecation of Gareth that instead of some higher calling, the only thing he really cares about is football.

I Warned You, Do Not Make An Enemy Out of Me

"And what have we got that is of any use? Allegiance to team that we cannot pronounce."

When they first started playing gigs internationally, Gareth started to buy football shirts from every country they visited before realising how expensive a hobby it was. This was from picking up an Atlético Nacional shirt in Colombia.

Heart Swells/100-1

"By now, it's just the three of us, me, your shadow, your echo"

According to Gareth, this was ripped directly from David Peace's The Damned United, referencing the broken down relationship between Brian Clough and Peter Taylor. Pretty impressive that in a song with four lines of lyrics, he still manages to get a reference in there.

Thanks to hunter for pointing this one out. Missed it in the first pass!

This is a Flag. There is No Wind.

"In an analogy that makes sense to most: This opportunity, it found me unmarked at the far post, But I blazed it right against the crossbar Of the pub that you had worked in since you moved here from Bath Spa We agreed we couldn't trust the guy that didn't like a single sport, But those bow-legged suitors hadn't given me much of a thought They said it smelled delicious, but it smelt of burning flesh Not meant to be malicious but this is the cross we bear"

There is no better opportunity than finding yourself unmarked at the far post. Blazing it against the crossbar is one of the most gut-wrenching outcomes because it was so close. Using football metaphors to talk about squandered romantic advances is the new cool. Also, love the crossbar/cross we bear pairing.

Songs About Your Girlfriend

"She stubbed her home club's crest on me with cigarettes, A swift that matched the bird upon her football shirt, She would lift the hem, she would wear that thing like a skirt"

Such evocative lyrics to sneak in a reference to the Walsall FC logo. I love that the references aren't even for big clubs…

Every Defeat a Divorce (Three Lions)

The whole song, but especially this verse:

"These three lions that were sitting on my chest Are clawing hard into my skin as I am gasping for my breath And as they each play noughts and crosses on the scratches they have left I have to screw up both my eyes as it goes into sudden death They whisper, 'Really all these noughts are circles holed, bereft And all these crosses, crucifixes spreading guilt and sense of dread' And as we stumbled homeward up the hill to where you used to live The cold makes ice upon our cheeks from all the tears that we have shed"

The whole song is a comparison of divorce to the fact that the England men's team never seem to win any internationals. But these are probably some of the most football-laden lyrics of all LC! songs. Three lions on his chest clawing hard into his skin, going into sudden death, if he hasn't blown the whistle it isn't the end… However, the lines about stumbling homeward Gareth has said is specifically about England losing to Argentina in 1998, the summer after his parents separated.

For Flotsam

"As I describe my lonely, you listen very clear The last set of goalposts taken down, summer of odd-numbered year"

The start of the No Blues references, which are in almost every song on the album. Every summer, all local council-maintained football pitches have their goalposts taken down, which Gareth describes as a sad sight, especially on years where there's no World Cup or European Championship to watch.

"May not be be all and end all, in my defence, she is the hole I've thrown my goalkeeper forward, she's catenaccio"

The catenaccio reference is an even deeper cut. It's a defensive setup known as 'bolting the door', but Gareth has thrown his goalkeeper forward in attack. So basically, Gareth is really going for it, but she's not letting anything through.

What Death Leaves Behind

"I proof-read the Book of Job for the Lord Edit one, League Cup 2004"

A pun on Job being both the biblical character and Joseph-Désiré Job, who opened the scoring after 2 minutes for Middlesbrough in their 2004 League Cup Final match v Bolton Wanderers. I don't think they get more obscure than this.

A Portrait of the Trequartista as a Young Man

"One day when I'm older, I'll write it all down A portrait of the trequartista as a young man"

A trequartista is a position in football — a withdrawn forward who is often the creative playmaker, and is a bit of a focal point of the team. It's a great example of the false bravado that Gareth's character has in his lyrics, because the rest of the lyrics are a bit pathetic as he details how he wants to kill a rival lover that he's lost out to, but still has the arrogance to think of himself as the person with the most skill and vision in the game.

Cemetary Gaits

"I thought I lost you in the dark, only twenty-four feet apart More stories tightrope on that stare than the same white line at Meurig Park"

Meurig Park is the home to Welsh non-league football side Bethesda Athletic, near to where LC! recorded No Blues.

Glue Me

"I'm diving into headers, put this pretty face where the boots are flying in"

"People laugh, they will call it folly, but we connected like a Yeboah volley"

"And leave with all the dignity of missed Panenka penalty"

"Ex-boyfriend, give us a song, ex-boyfriend, boyfriend, give us a song"

Four separate references in one song. We've got diving into headers, but you might get kicked in the face by another player; we've got a Yeboah volley, referencing Tony Yeboah who famously volleyed in a goal for Leeds United against Liverpool in 1995; we've got a missed Panenka penalty, referencing the type of penalty kick where you chip it in, and is highly embarrassing if missed. Topping it all off is a pseudo football chant of 'give us a song'.

Let It Spill

"Béla Guttmann of love, curse all my exes to a life of celibacy"

Béla Guttmann was a football manager in the 1960s, probably best known for managing Benfica. After winning the 1962 European Cup Final he asked for a payrise and got denied. He then cursed the club saying they wouldn't be champions for another 100 years, and hilariously they've lost 8 European finals since then.

A Doe to a Deer

"I'm Boxing Day game away Shirtless cherubs on the terrace, singing hymns, praying the saviour scores today"

Christmas songs aren't even safe from at least one football reference. There's a tradition in the UK of Boxing Day games, and I absolutely love the comparison of angelic cherubs to shirtless, beer-bellied football fans singing in the stands. But seriously, who's shirtless on the 26th of December?

Renato Dall'Ara (2008)

"Renato Dall'Ara, living off 2008 Renato Dall'Ara, once up, then back down again"

Renato Dall'Ara is the Italian football stadium where England beat Belgium in 1990, and then two years later lost a crucial game to San Marino 1-0 — a game they should've won. It's a metaphor for LC!'s heyday of 2008/9 and then coming back with Sick Scenes almost ten years later, but they'll probably fail.

Sad Suppers

"When the neutrals started cheering me That is the moment that they lost us"

Neutrals are fans who watch a match without supporting either team, they just enjoy football for the sake of it. Basically, he's saying that the 'neutral' LC! fans aren't going to stick around.

I Broke Up in Amarante

"I found a home away from home as I broke up in Amarante In the Campo do Carvalhal, centre circle every day Erratic kamikaze, I co-piloted the swift Dreamt I'm anchoring that midfield, like the anchor in my midriff"

Campo do Carvalhal is an abandoned football stadium in Portugal, right next to where they recorded Sick Scenes. Gareth dreams of anchoring the midfield (moving on from his dreams as playmaker), but he's got a sinking sense of dread.

"The newspaper front on the counter top Emblazoned spot kick miss"

Referencing the famous Ronaldo miss in the group stages of Euro 2016 against Austria.

"You really can't complain, it's just a holiday You fill a wall chart out, thirty-one days away"

They recorded Sick Scenes during the Euro 2016 tournament, and filling in his Euros wall chart meant that Gareth could count the days down to when they returned to the UK. In his words, it's "about how my main coping mechanism was to keep myself constantly drunk in the blistering heat of Amarante while being failed by a largely terrible international football tournament."

A Slow, Slow Death

"We here are common as dirt, three lions on our shirt with high expectations Absolve this land of a Queen who feasts while we wean a small, hopeless nation"

Another three lions reference to the England team, but referring to the fact that the normal people of England are struggling while the upper classes get richer. It wasn't a coincidence that they recorded this when the Brexit vote went through…

5 Flucloxacillin

"They say if they had got the victory They'd act with so much more humility They say if they had got the victory Well, I guess we'll never know"

An oblique reference to how football teams are criticised for being so over the top if they win, and if the other team had won they would've handled it with more grace. This time framed in true self-deprecating style considering the entire song is about Gareth's depression.

For Whom the Belly Tolls

"Scout yourself as a one-man team You're a one-club man denied a testimonial"

Perfect couplet with Gareth's signature tongue-in-cheek arrogance and self-deprecation. Referring to himself as a 'one-man team', meaning he's the only star player in the pack, and coupling it with 'you're a one-club man denied a testimonial', referring to the concept of a footballer who remains at one team his whole career, who usually gets a big exhibition match at the end (the testimonial). But in this case, it's long-term devotion with no payoff.

Hung Empty

"He's playing dickhead's advocate and every date's a house show I'm dropping my defences 'til libido's my libero And if you're keeping track of the notches, even if he had a four-poster bed He'd be sleeping on a pile of woodchip plucking splinters from his head"

A libero (or sweeper) is a defender who 'sweeps up' if an opponent manages to get through the defensive line. So Gareth's last defence is his libido, attempting to sleep with as many people as possible to get back against his former lover.

Allez Les Blues

"So you can stick your words of comfort And you can take your well wishes too Singing allez les blues 'Cause they hold me closer than you would ever do Allez les blues"

'Allez Les Blues' is the football chant used to cheer on the French national team. So you could interpret this through two lenses — Gareth saying that depression holds him closer than this person ever did, but also possibly that the French, probably England's greatest rivals, hold him closer than this person ever did, showing how much they didn't care about him. I like to think it's just a love song to feeling depressed, though.

The Coin-Op Guillotine

"A three beer buzz or bust these days, hungover international break"

Just a small reference to kick off All Hell. The international break in football causes a break in all of the main club seasons, so it typically means less games creating a void for anyone who cares about the game. So doing that hungover for a full week isn't great.

"Two sounds collide upon the breeze: Sunday service, Sunday league From either side there comes unholy scream"

Sunday league is the lowest level of organized football in the UK, and has an almost religious zeal to it, so Gareth is referencing two forms of communion on a Sunday morning.

Long Throes

"Tell me how many hours in any single dull day Can I pray to a league table but still it don't change?"

The title itself is referencing a long throw, which is a slightly unorthodox way of doing attacking plays, but this line is the most clear football reference. It's a great metaphor for the fact that you can pray all you want that things will change, but the well-financed mainstay clubs are always going to win, just like in society.

Feast of Tongues

"She says the body is keeping score Lost in sudden death, she can't take it no more"

The body is keeping score, but Gareth still loses it in sudden death despite hanging on for the entire game.

The Order of the Seasons

"With mine in the bar, boring on about xG I stare at my phone, I am willing you text me"

Order of the Seasons could mean both seasons and football seasons, but there's a couple of small football references snuck in there too. xG is 'expected goals', and anyone who has a friend who is interested in football when you aren't will know how boring it is to hear them drone on about it.

"It's been many years, since I played a high line They ask you how you feel, you say 'I feel fine'"

Probably one of my favourite references. 'Playing the high line' is where you push your defenders up the pitch to play way more aggressively. It talks to how Gareth used to be a lot more aggressive and vulnerable, but these days sits in a defensive position a lot more.

Clown Blood/Orpheus' Bobbing Head

"Saw your Bundesliga boy in A&E Blues and twos from Leisure Leagues My bildungsroman reads You cannot call whitewash a rivalry"

A boy wearing a Bundesliga shirt for a 5-a-side 'leisure league' ending up in A&E is pretty funny. Following it with 'you cannot call whitewash a rivalry' makes it even better that clearly the other team were way better.