I want to find joy in seeing music again
Last week I went to a gig and actually enjoyed it. That sounds like a daft statement to make about myself, when from the outside it looks like I go to lots of gigs. And to be fair, I do go to a fair number. Last year I counted 29 gigs, and I’m sure I forgot a few. That’s 1 gig every two weeks. The only saving grace is that 13 of them were gigs I was playing, but still. What I’ve found more and more over the last year or two is that I’m enjoying live music less, which quite frankly, sucks.
A large part of it is social anxiety. Being in a crowd of people I don’t know, especially in a context where I want to be liked, sets my brain into overdrive. One of the cool things about playing in a band that plays a fair bit is you slowly start to recognise people and become acquaintances with a lot of them. However, instead of making this better, somehow it makes things worse because it puts my brain into “do you say hello; do you wait for them to say hello; what happens when you run out of things to say; how do you make conversation again; what was their name because they definitely told you last time; actually is that even the person you know; when did you last see them; what if they ignore me” mode.
The second part is my inability to pay attention to something for more than ten minutes. Unless I know the band’s discography back to front, my brain is incapable of standing still and paying attention to a band for more than 2-3 songs. This has nothing to do with how good the band are (although if a band is SUPER engaging, I’ll probably last 4 songs), it’s just that after about 3 songs my brain is telling me that I need to be somewhere else. It’s why I love being able to look up a set list before a show so I can be familiar with as many songs as possible. Otherwise, I’m going outside and will be back shortly after.
Anyway, the point of this is that I don’t like this. I’m not a fan of acting this way with live music, because I also genuinely love going to gigs. Last week, by chance, I went to see Fresh and Mammoth Penguins at The Lexington (I missed Atlanta Dream Season, which is a big shame). I had plans, but they ended early, so I thought I’d head along and see if I could get in. I think the lack of pre-planning probably helped (low stakes), and to be fair, Fresh are a band where I know most of the songs, but I came out of the gig having watched Fresh by myself (which is usually a good recipe for self-loathing), and was feeling very happy and positive and in love with music.
So that’s another thing I’m trying to do this year – focus on loving live music again. Or at least being kinder to myself if I pop out for a breather halfway through a set and then come back later.
Current Book:
I’m currently reading Imaginary Friend by Stephen Chbosky. When I was a lot younger I absolutely adored Perks of Being a Wallflower, and that was the main reason I picked this book up. I didn’t realise it was horror, which is not a genre I usually enjoy, but I’m about three quarters of the way through this doorstop of a novel and genuinely enjoying the creepiness of it. It doesn’t hurt that the characters are great, even if it’s borrowing heavily from Stephen King. However, the hissing lady did visit me in a nightmare last week, so I might have to switch to non-horror again after this.
Current Music:
I’ve gone back to Little Simz’ 2022 banger NO THANK YOU last week. I’ve been seeing Doechii’s DENIAL IS A RIVER everywhere (which I also love), which made me really want to listen to Little Simz for some reason. I love a bit of jazzy influence in hip-hop, and Little Simz is so chill and fucking cool. Of course Gorilla is the standout track, but the whole album is a vibe from start to finish.
