Welcome to the semi-regular self-therapy session. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been feeling pretty low over the last week or so. It was only when talking through an issue yesterday that I realised that a large portion of these feelings stem from a feeling of not having control over key situations in my life. It’s funny, because pre-divorce I identified as a pretty chill person. In fact, it was one of the issues that I had that I didn’t care enough about planning, and was a bit too happy to just let other people take the wheel, especially in my relationships. Not only in romantic relationships, but also in friendships, where I lost touch with a lot of people because of what I’d call ‘people impermanence’, but was also probably a far bit of laziness and main-character syndrome. I definitely had to learn how to be a bit more of a driver in multiple parts of my life, and not just let things happen to me in order to fuck up relationships that I had.
Where did this stem from? I don’t think I have a particular fear of abandonment. It was possibly a learned behaviour from earlier parts of my life. Anyway, the problem now is that I feel safe and comfortable when I feel like I have a healthy amount of control. Side note, control feels like a bit of a dirty word doesn’t it? It’s associated with ‘controlling behaviour’, which is centred around removing other people’s control to exert your own. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m just talking about being heard, feeling listened to, and feeling valued enough that my input is taken and considered in a serious way.
But when does that just turn into throwing tantrums because you don’t get your own way? I think it’s a fine balance, and usually comes back to one of those key points - feeling heard and valued. When there are multiple parts of your life where you are not feeling heard or like your opinions and inputs are valued, it can make life feel a little bit… futile?
Although I also wonder whether it’s a reaction to the utter shitshow of the world right now (I’m primarily looking at you, USA). When so much of the world is completely our of your control, you try and exert more control over the things in your life you can have control over. I don’t know… Whatever it is, I’m probably not going to find it out by writing about it. Instead I’m going to focus on small things that help — picking up my guitar and figuring out country versions of my songs, watching drag race and dreaming about what I’d do on the show, or listening to the disgusting hardcore bands while stomping around town in a cold, dark February.
Current book:
I had my first DNF of the year with Orbital by Samantha Harvey. I don’t know whether it was my mood or that I’m just not smart enough to enjoy it, but it felt like a slog (despite only being 200 pages) with nothing to really grab on to. Instead, I picked up the second book in the Her Majesty’s Royal Coven series, The Shadow Cabinet by Juno Dawson. It’s such a delightful queer fantasy, with just the right blend of action, light vs dark, and humour. The characters are great, and I slipped into the second one like a warm bath. Looking forward to the inevitable tv series or film from this series!
Current music:
I’ve been revisiting Zach Bryan’s self titled album recently. I first listened to this album between Christmas and New Year at the end of 2023, so there’s something about it that feels perfect on wet, cold, dark days. His voice has that lazy, syrupy quality that I love in country artists, and it feels like a warm hug. Definitely needed right now.
